


One Thing

by BurningTheMidnightOil



Series: Adventures in Darcyland [1]
Category: Ant-Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, BAMF Darcy Lewis, Crack Treated Seriously, Fix-It of Sorts, Gen, Ruining Thanos's Day., Women Being Awesome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-14
Updated: 2019-04-14
Packaged: 2020-01-13 08:38:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18465385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BurningTheMidnightOil/pseuds/BurningTheMidnightOil
Summary: Darcy’s plan is simple. Get in and blow Thanos straight to hell. Get out alive.Darcy is not very hopeful about that last part.





	One Thing

**Author's Note:**

> So I confess, to messing around on Youtube and watching way too many nerdy videos and then stumbling across this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DG2esWiRe0s. And I thought that is the Worst Plan EVER, even Darcy can do better.  
> And this happened.  
> Title is from finger eleven - One Thing.
> 
> If I traded all, if I gave it all way for one thing, for just one thing,  
> Wouldn't that be something?

If anyone had bothered to ask Darcy, she would have told them she didn’t know what the firetruck they were doing anymore. However, since absolutely no one had asked Darcy’s opinion; here she was still responsible for the care and feeding of Jane at the Avengers facility in upstate New York. Thanos that utter douche canoe, had not only destroyed half of the Earth’s population but half the universe itself.

 

Darcy just doesn’t get it; who even does that crap? How does one wake up one morning and go my _brilliant_ plan to save the universe is to kill precisely half of it off? Thanos or as Darcy’s calling him the universal serial bastard or USB for short; is on a whole another level of crazy Darcy was perfectly happy not knowing existed.

Hadn’t Earth been shit on enough lately? With the collapse of SHIELD, reemergence of Hydra, Sokovia bullshit, and Hey, let’s not forget the freaking multiple alien invasions!

 

Some days with all she’s lost, it’s hard to even get out of bed in the morning. Eric was just the first of the people she knew to be dusted by the snap. Eric, and Jane had gotten invited to some scientific conference; with Darcy along for assisting they had decided to all get breakfast together at some crappy greasy spoon diner and catch up on old times. Darcy argues that since they are respectable these days, “You’re Published now Boss Lady, Published!” they should go somewhere more upscale.

 

This how they end up at The Cracker Barrel old country store.

 

Eric is reaching for the syrup for his pancakes when it happens, and then his ashes are in her coffee. Jane is just staring in horror for about 4 seconds and then the screaming starts. Darcy's not ashamed to admit she totally loses her shit at this point and pukes her chicken and waffles all over the scuffed, polished, wood floor.

They do not taste as awesome the second time around.

 

By the time she looks up and is finished barfing her brains out, people are panicking and dusting everywhere, she sees cars crash as their drivers turn to ash, police helicopters fall from the sky because their pilots are scattered on the floor of the cockpit; and oh god the homeless dude she gave a $5 to on the way in to the restaurant is now just a heap of dirty clothes.

 

Darcy now has two options and they both suck, they can try to hole up in the Cracker Barrel or try to make it to the Avengers facility and hope Tony’s Stark's offer of employment is still good. Darcy’s seen the Walking Dead and you-tubed the LA riots, thank you very much. So staying here when the looting and shit happens is a hell no from her. That leaves the equally unappealing option of trying to get the fuck out of New York during a major crisis.

 

Darcy is pretty sure trying to get out of town in the swanky rental luxury SUV is a right up there with a death sentence. Jane is still screaming, and Darcy can’t blame her but they need to get their shit together and move, because once the shock wears off the shits really going only get worse from here.

 

So she slaps her. It’s definitely not Darcy's finest moment in their friendship. She steadies Jane by her shoulders and says, “I’m sorry but one you needed that, and two I need you to use your giant brain and help me get us out of here.”

 

While Jane’s no longer screaming, the slap seems to have set Jane in entirely the wrong direction emotionally as she stares at her ash covered hands and sobs “Oh my god Eric, oh my god.”

Darcy notices that since Jane had been siting next to Eric when he, when he dusted that Jane is positively coated with his ashes; and her hands got the worst of it when she tried to grab on to him.

 

Gently this time she grabs her friends hand, leads her over to the big industrial sink in the now empty and smokey kitchen. The food is burning, and the fire alarm wails obnoxiously over the sounds of terrified people outside.

Darcy leaves Jane at the sink scrubbing mindlessly and grabs the fire extinguisher and hoses all the hot surfaces down and she then makes sure to turn off the appliances because the damn building on fire is the last thing she needs right now.

She returns to Jane who is still scrubbing, and gently turns off the water and dries Jane’s hands. Looking at Jane, Darcy quickly realizes they can’t keep literally wearing their dead friend and tells Jane to “Come on Janey, I’ll get us something else to wear.” Darcy remembers seeing a novelty t-shirt section next door which is how the both end up wearing shirts that say snarky things like:

“I survived the end of the world and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.” and the other one has Grumpy Cat with a caption that says “I’m going to need more coffee for this shit.” Darcy thinks it couldn’t be more appropriate.

 

The store part is mostly empty except for some 16 year old cowering behind the counter, maybe its cold of her but she can’t worry about him right now. Instead she focus on getting her and Jane a total of two pairs of jeans and 3 shirts including the ones they wear out of the store. It’s hot in the bathrooms, the air conditioning is barely functional and already she and Jane are sweating uncomfortably. She carefully removes Jane's clothes, then her own and folds them into a giant two gallon Ziploc she found back inside the diner’s kitchen; she knows they’ll want to bury what’s left of Eric later.

 

Darcy’s worried about Jane it isn’t like her to be this passive, especially when the weird shit is going down. She gets them moving back into the diner where the next step in Darcy’s plan to get them out of the crazy happens. They need transportation and as nice as the heated seats in the Lexus are, they won’t do squat for what’s likely to be the most hazardous drive of Darcy's life. Ideally, Darcy would like to grab the keys to the great big old touring Harley Davidson from the biker dudes that had been sitting in the corner when they had walked in earlier that morning. It would be far more maneuverable than any of they current options but with Jane being in such a state of catatonia she quickly nixes that idea and goes over to where to she saw a bunch of back packing hipster yuppies.

 

She fishes through the dusty sea ashes covering the former woman’s purse and can’t stop herself from apologizing “Sorry, sorry, sorry.” as clumps of ash fall to the floor. She doesn’t find what she looking for until her hand bumps something leather next to the purse and its completely buried in the ash pile. “Gross, gross, gross.” Gingerly she picks up the strap of the fanny pack, like who even wears those anymore? And unzips it and bingo there are the keys she’s looking for to the shiny black Jeep 4×4 outside. Guilt pricking her chest she takes the cash, and credit cards from every remaining source in the joint and uses the sink to wash her hands thoroughly when its done. She tosses the backpacks in the back along with her laptop and manages to manhandle Jane into the passenger side.

 

Some how they make out of New York before the worst of the aftermath hits. It’s a hectic nearly 3 day drive using back roads, thank fuck Google maps is still working. By the end of the first day when Darcy pulls into the parking lot of a tiny motel in a town she’s never heard of Jane has finally come out of it as they are watching the CNN reports and asks “Who the fuck did this, Darcy? _How_ did they do this?” Darcy just hugs Jane tight and replies” I don’t know Boss Lady, I don’t know.”

 

When they finally get to the facility they get detained by security and stuck in a holding room until 4 hours and 42 minutes later, they get rescued by none other than Pepper Potts; HBIC. She has fresh coffee and breakfast sandwich for both Jane and Darcy. Darcy decides right there, that when she grows up; she wants to be like Pepper Potts.

 

It turns out that Tony Stark is missing, Thanos is the asshole responsible for everything, and yes the offer of employment is still good although no is quite sure what to do with them and they get shunted to the R&D department for the Avengers.

Darcy just makes the coffee, tries to keep Jane functioning on more than pop tarts and caffeine.

 

Darcy doesn’t start out trying to mother hen everyone, it just kinda happens. Late nights in the lab looking after Jane turn into late nights looking after both Jane and Dr. Banner. Making food for her and Jane turns into food for any one who shows up and baked goods on the weekends.

Which brings us to the present situation. It’s Monday at butt o’ clock in the morning and everyone except her scientists are shuffling to the ridiculously huge kitchen, Darcy swears the oven is big enough to roast an elephant; Jane is tucked in bed. Darcy is making breakfast and if she doesn't get her coffee someone might literally die.  

That Rocket raccoon person thing, raccoon man? (Boy did that get some getting used to.)

and the rest of the remaining Avengers can be heard discussing what to do about the situation. The Avengers come up with a Plan.

 

Darcy thinks the plan is awful. Seriously, she’s heard better plans from drunk frat boys; including the Ant-man in Thanos butt plan which was debunked by Because Science! on YouTube. Now she's thinking about Thanos butt, "Ewww."

Seriously the Avengers plan is basically cut off Thanos' hand, swipe gauntlet and reverse the snap.

There isn’t even a back-up plan.

 

Darcy decides her plan is better.  Darcy doesn’t have super powers, can’t kill people 39 ways with a paper clip, and her most awesome skill involves making a tasty hangover smoothie. She’s pretty sure no one’s ever saved the universe with a smoothie.

That’s why Thanos will never see her coming.

 

She recruits Rocket to help her, because out of all the possible choices not only does he have the right technical expertise, his morals are most definitely on the side of gray. Rocket argues with her, because of course he does, “What are you, insane lady?”

“No, I just refuse to let that ass-hat get away with it.” He looks at Darcy sourly, and says “What can I do to help?”

 

The entire time he’s working Darcy can hear him bitching about “Stupid, insane, humies and how shes just like Peter, that moron.” Darcy takes it as a compliment.

 

When the time comes Darcy is _tiny_ and strapped to an equally tiny bomb in Rocket's suit pocket. How Rocket manged to steal The Wasp suit Darcy doesn’t know and doesn’t ask. It’s dark, hot, uncomfortable, and since Rocket cannot talk to her without giving her way, very lonely. There’s also a weird smell which Darcy _really really_ does not want to know about.

 

She can hear the rest of the team talking Captain America, call me Steve, gives a really rousing speech.

It’s not meant for her, but it still helps somewhat all the same.

The fight goes about as she expected.

 

Despite being wounded and the Infinity Gauntlet being damaged, Thanos is still pretty much handing them their asses. Rocket is holding her in his palm and looking down at her, and when he asks her “Are you sure you want still do this? This is insane!”

Darcy smiles is not a happy smile, “Want? Want has nothing do with this. What I want to be in Jane's apartment on BFF Fajita Friday with rum and colas and Jane yelling at reruns of Star Trek Discovery and even older reruns of SG-1 “!Science does not work that way Darcy!”

 "Do you remember Thanos asking any one what the fuck they wanted? Do you Rocket? Because I sure as fuck don't."

She squeezes the tip of his claw not that he can feel it, takes a deep breath, and continues “It’s my choice, Rocket. If I do nothing now we lose. I think that everyone has lost enough. Don’t you?”

In the end he lets her go with, a curse Darcy can’t pronounce, in a language she’s never heard before, and a “Good luck you’ll need it.”

 

To Darcy, it sounds like a goodbye.

 

Darcy’s plan is simple. Get in and blow Thanos straight to hell. Get out alive.

Darcy is not very hopeful about that last part.

She did not ask Rocket to many questions about what bomb was made of, or where the parts came from, she just asked him to make it portable, impossible to shut off and easy for her to turn on.

 

 

She almost makes to her target without getting spotted.

 

Scott Lang sees her. But it doesn’t matter. He’s too far way to stop her and the others have bigger problems to worry about so she ignores them. She hears Scott screaming for someone named Janet, realizes that's probably the name of the lady the Wasp suit belongs to, but Darcy ignores that too.

 

She stumbles rather than lands gracefully, not that Thanos notices thank Thor and proceeds down what has to be the hallway of the grossest place she has ever been in her life. She trips and falls several times and lands in the yuck; but she not does let that stop her. Finally she reaches her destination.

Thanos’s eardrum.

She plants the bomb which is difficult because being inside the insane titan’s ear feels like being a Go Pro in a washing machine and her hands shake from the adrenaline. Darcy arms it, makes sure the timer is counting down and starts running for the exit.

 

Darcy counts.

 

14.

 

13.

 

12.

 

11.

 

10.

 

9.

 

8.

 

7.

 

Suddenly there’s heat, pressure on her back, an explosion of noise and sound.

 

All she can think is,“Well, Shit.”

 

Darcy’s universe goes white.

 

 

The end.


End file.
